


The Statistical Probability of Mending A Vampire's Broken Heart

by supermegafoxyawesomehotfredweasley



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But she's kind of rude because of it., Clary too, Clizzy - Freeform, Complete, F/F, Fix It Fic, Happy Ending, Harry potter reference, If You Squint - Freeform, Izzy feels guilty, Lots of Crying, Love, M/M, Magnus and Alec take care of sick Simon, Magnus' magic, Ouch, Post-Episode: s01e13 Morning Star, Promise, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Simon and Raphael are both heart broken, Slow Burn, Star Wars reference, Suicide Attempt, Vampires, downworld, flash backs, happy endings, however a long one, it will be okay eventually, may add an epilogue, toy story reference, vampires and the sun don't mix, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-07-14 05:19:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7155287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supermegafoxyawesomehotfredweasley/pseuds/supermegafoxyawesomehotfredweasley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is gonna be a slow burn angsty af fix it fic post morning star. Because I needed more angsty Saphael. </p><p>Simon realizes his feelings for Raphael a little to late and is convinced he will never get the eternity with Raph that he should have. And over at the Hotel DuMort, while the rest of the clan almost understands what Simon did and have come to forgive him since they killed Camille (though they still aren't so happy that he hurt their leader), Raphael is heartbroken and angry, unsure if he will be able to face the fledgling he hadn't expected to fall in love with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bearing the Heart of a Fledgling

Simon looked around his new room. He hated it. The walls were too bare, the bookshelves held nothing he would ever read, and the comforter on the bed had a pattern he would never have picked out. He would have preferred something with Star Wars, Marvel, or Harry Potter on it. It wasn’t truly his; it was the guest room at Magnus’s place. And don’t get him wrong he was thankful, Magnus was the person treating him the best after everything that’s happened recently. The rest of the clan partially blamed him for Simon’s betrayal because he told the shadowhunters where the book of the white had been. The Vampires obviously didn’t want him back. Most of the werewolves hated him. Jocelyn looked pained when she looked at him, so she avoided it, probably feeling like his being turned was partially her fault. Clary hadn’t so much as texted him to check in after kicking him out of the institute two days ago. Simply saying she didn’t need the Clave breathing down her neck, even more than they were now that she got her mom back from Valentine. He felt, ironically, betrayed. He gave up everything, his new home, his new family, Ra-, the point was he now had nothing, all because he helped her, and she was turning her back on him? 

He knew she wouldn’t forever. This was just what Clary did. When she felt guilty for causing someone pain, she pushed him or her away until she found a way to completely reverse what she did. Unfortunately, this time, there was nothing she could do. Simon could have told her no, but instead he had agreed to help free Camille. The clan would never forgive him for that, no matter what Clary did. In fact, he hoped she didn’t try to fix anything, because Raphael would likely have her killed on the spot, he never did care for the red head. 

His heart clenched every time he thought of Raph. In the little time he had spent at the Hotel DuMort he had managed to weave himself in pretty well, it had become home. The clan had become family; his favorite member was Raphael by far. This had surprised him at first, but while Raphael wasn’t the most patient trainer in the downworld, he understood. Once when Simon had been crying in his room in the hotel, Raph had heard him and the older vampire had come into his room.

“Simon?” Raphael asked shutting his door softly. Simon didn’t respond, just continued to sob into the pillow wrapped in his arms, which was being covered in bloody tears. The older vampire put his hand on the younger’s back and rubbed in small soothing circles. Simon continued to cry as Raphael asked is a calm voice, one you would expect from a best friend or a family member not a headstrong kind of frightening vampire leader, “What’s wrong little fledgling?”

Simon, not wanting to admit what was upsetting him so much only responded with, “I’m taller than you.” 

Raph gave a small huff of a laugh. “Be that as it may Simon, I don’t think that’s why you’re crying.” 

A new round of sobs shook Simon hard and Raphael felt obliged to pull the fledgling into his arms. Simon let himself be comforted by the clan’s leader for a long time. Raphael rubbed the usually talkative boy’s back slowly until sobs faded to quiet tears to hiccups and finally just breathing. Simon still didn’t say anything, just sat there; glad someone cared enough to comfort him.   
“It’s okay Simon. I understand, I have been a vampire quite a long time, and I still get upset when I think about my family. It’s not easy to let them go.” Raphael whispered so softly Simon wouldn’t have heard without his new vampire hearing. 

Simon removed his face from where it had been pressed into Raphael’s shoulder while he cried. Looking up at the leaders perpetually young face he asked, “How did you know?”

“You forget, bebé, that I have been exactly where you are. It doesn’t get better, the pain is always there, but it gets easier Simon. I promise. No dejaré que estés triste para siempre.” 

They spent a lot more time together after that. Late night conversations about nothing and everything. Training sessions that didn’t make Simon want to jump off a bridge. Sitting next to each other when they spent time with the clan. Simon had no idea what Raphael said when he spoke in Spanish, but after that night Simon always got a warm feeling in his heart whenever he did. He got butterflies when the older was around. When his mind wandered it was to lips that wrapped themselves beautifully around words Simon didn’t understand, of suit jackets that cost more that his entire wardrobe, of a sharp tongue and teeth to match. It had only taken him losing the older boy to realize what all those feelings meant. He had fallen hopelessly in love with Raphael. And now Raphael hated him. 

Simon didn’t realize he had started crying until Magnus opened the door to check on him. “Simon, have you fe- What’s wrong?” 

“R-Raphael.” Simon’s answer came out a choked whisper. At the answer, the concern fell from the warlock’s face and turned to an understanding sadness. 

“I am in love with him Magnus. And he put out a kill order on me. Every time my mind wanders, it’s to him and when I come back to reality I am crying and my heart physically hurts. I didn’t even know it could do that anymore. I guess even the undead can have their hearts shatter. And I know I don’t deserve him Magnus, not after what I did, but ... Fuck.” Simon folded in on himself and yanked his hand through his uncombed locks. 

Magnus hadn’t been this speechless in nearly fifty years, sure, Alexander was too amazing for words and left him breathless, but this was different. Magnus had absolutely no idea what to say the make the sobbing ball in front of him feel better. The warlock’s insides twisted empathetically, and he knew he had to say something. Even if he wasn’t sure, it was true. His normal moxie was lost as he tried his best to be sincere as he said, “ Come on now little vampire, it’s all going to be okay.”

“No Magnus. It’s not!” Simon burst out, voice cracking as he continued. “He was it. Raph -Raphael was my one. I just know it. We didn’t even get to be together, and now we never will. Because I screwed it up, just like everything else in my life.”

Magnus’ eyebrows pinched together. “What do you mean you know Raphael was your one, Simon?”

“I don’t know. I just know it, after this one night talking with Raph, we got closer. And I was always so happy when he was around after that. When he was there, I never needed anything else and I could just sit next to him to the rest of eternity and that would be perfect. That would be enough. I wouldn’t need anybody else. It’s like since I left the hotel something shattered inside and only he can fix it and I know he never will. I feel like I left part of me there. Don’t you get it? Can you please just... I really want to be alone.”

Simon lost his ability to talk as a whole new wave of crushing heartache shook him and he started hysterically crying again. He would surely ruin the white sheets on the bed with his bloody tears, but Magnus couldn’t bring himself to care. He was just very worried about the fledgling vampire sitting on them. His heart was broken for the kid. He walked into the ornately decorated living room and pulled out his phone. He almost called Alec, but realized Simon would hear Magnus talking about him, so he decided a text was a better idea. 

Alexander, I just need to let you know something. I care about you deeply, okay? Alright that’s all for now my dear. ~ Magnus

Magnus’ phone buzzed a few seconds later with Alec’s confused reply. 

And I care about you. What is this about Magnus? ~AL

Well my darling, let’s just say I just witnessed the result of not saying it and it is soul shattering. So, don’t worry, but I will probably remind you more often now, okay? ~ Magnus

Okay. ~AL

Magnus gave his phone screen a sad smile. He sat there for a moment, but even in here, he could still hear Simon’s sobs. When his heart couldn’t take it anymore, he put on some music and poured a large glass of wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No dejaré que estés triste para siempre. - I wont let you be sad forever.


	2. The Breaking of Raphael Santiago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hotel is just not the same without Simon. Neither is Raphael.

Since Simon’s betrayal, the Hotel DuMort had been nearly silent, as had the clan’s respected leader. No one said anything about it, they either feared retribution or thought it would be disrespectful to say anything that would make it sound like Raphael wanted Simon home. They all knew he did, and they all wanted the loud long-breathed fledgling home as well. But they all knew that Raphael’s word was law, and vampires were proud creatures. They would put their pride before their emotions every time, so not a single one of them mentioned Simon being forgiven. Because of this the hotel, which was once full of happy vampires and parties had become radio silent. 

They all felt it though. The loss of their baby. When a fledgling enters a clan, he becomes the whole clan’s child. They all protect, comfort, and love the new member. That’s what made Simon’s betrayal so painful. They had all accepted him one hundred percent, they invited him places, taught him things, loved him. Not one of them thought it possible for their baby to hurt them like that, to chose shadowhunters over them and put them all at risk. Stan considered the fledgling a son after only a few weeks and Lily became on of his closest confidants. She remembered the pain that flashed through her when they had caught Simon. Remembered the look on Raphael’s face when he gave the kill order, cold and hard, she also remembered how different it was after they left and had a clan meeting immediately after, tired, and hurt. It was one of the only times she had ever seen Raphael’s face show his true age instead of the one he was forever frozen at. 

They had all gathered in the ballroom. Raphael sitting in the clan leader’s chair, which resembled a thrown more than anything, Lily sat to his right, in a similar but smaller seat. The rest of the clan filed in and sat in their usual chairs at the different tables about the room. No one mentioned it, and they all avoided looking at it, but each vampire had noticed that the small chair to Raphael’s left that had been put there for Simon remained empty. 

The clan sat still for a long time, no breathing, so still and silent, a pin could drop in the lobby and even a mundane would be able to hear it in the ballroom. Stan, who had been staring at the ground finally looked a Raphael and spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, “Raphael. We can’t do it. We won’t kill him.”

Their leader took a deep breath, hoping it would steady his voice for his reply. It did not work as well as he would have liked, if you knew Raphael like his clan did, you could tell he was upset. “I don’t expect you to carry out that order Stan. I know that none of us could. However, S-Simon has made his choice. He is no longer welcome here. If you see him, you are to tell him to leave and make sure he does exactly that. He is not allowed inside, if he asks to see me you are to tell him, I don’t want him here. I don’t expect you to have to do this. I believe Simon will stay away. That is the last I want to hear of this. Dismissed.” 

When no one moved, Raphael spoke louder, “I said dismissed!”

Everyone pretended not to hear his voice crack. 

It had only been a week since then and Raphael hadn’t set foot outside of his bedroom, except to feed. When he did, he did not look the well-dressed strong leader they had come to know. His hair was a greasy mess, it was clear he hadn’t showered, and it lay low over his eyes in curly patches. He had been in the same set of pajamas every time they saw him. There were red rings around his eyes, making it obvious to everyone around him he had been crying. He didn’t talk to anyone, not even when they spoke to him first. He only pulled out a glass of blood and returned to his room. Lily became the temporary leader, hoping to keep everything running semi-smoothly in Raphael’s absence. She pretended not to know how much her friend was hurting. She had seen the way Raphael had looked at the fledgling before this had all happened. 

She walked up to Raphael’s bedroom door in the middle of the day; she couldn’t sleep and knew for certain he couldn’t either. She hesitated before knocking, when no answer came she slowly opened the door and let her in. “Raphael, can I talk to you?”

She looked around the room waiting for his answer; the normally spotless room was in disarray. There were glasses stacked up on his nightstand, dried blood sticking to the sides. The bookshelf that normally stood against the wall opposite the bed was now scattered around the floor in pieces, the priceless books that had once sat on its shelves lay strewn on the floor, looking like dead soldiers on a battlefield. There was a large hole in the wall that adjoined with the bathroom from when the other vampire must have punched it; one of the walls braces half hanging out sadly splintered at the end. The only thing that remained the same, as it usually was the king sized bed in the middle of the room, perfectly made. Raphael clearly hadn’t slept the entire week as Lily could see small pieces of debris sat untouched on the duvet. Raphael sat in a chair facing the large black curtains that cover the window, bloody tears having stained his shirt. The look on his face told Lily that he had been sitting there a long time, thinking about opening the curtains and burning. Lily didn’t understand until that moment how much Simon had hurt Raphael. And it broke her heart. 

“Raph, please?”

“What Lily?” Raph’s voice didn’t sound like him at all; it was dead and monotonous, numb without even the slightest bit of sarcasm there. 

“We can all feel it Raphael. No one’s saying it, but we feel it. He’s hurting as much as we are, he’s crying out for his clan, his family. We have forgiven him Raphael. Bring him home.” Lily pleaded for the other to listed to her. Raphael was up and in Lily’s face is less than a second. He was so angry and hurt.

“What and I don’t feel it? You think I don’t feel his pain and mine tangled together, that it isn’t keeping me up at night? You haven’t thought that maybe I am feeling the pain crushing my chest? I know you know Lily. You know what he was to me. Almas gemelas. My one true mate, so I know far better than you and the rest of the clan what the fledgling is feeling. That doesn’t change the fact that he betrayed us. He could have gotten himself killed, along with the rest of us. Hay que castigar a los culpables, sin importar quienes tal vez. I love him, but I do not trust him. I will not put the clan in danger for my own sake. Leave.” 

He returned to his chair and Lily began walking out of the room and before she shut the door she heard Raphael whisper, “Cómo pudiste hacer esto a mí, mi amor? Simplemente no lo entiendo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almas gemelas - Soulmates
> 
> Hay que castigar a los culpables, sin importar quienes tal vez. - We must punish the guilty, no matter who they may be.
> 
> Cómo pudiste hacer esto a mí, mi amor? Simplemente no lo entiendo. - How could you do this to me, my love? I just don't understand. 
> 
> PS Sorry for the likely poor translation, its from google... I took French. :/


	3. The Tears of an Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy visits and Simon takes a turn for the worse.

“As per usual, I think you’re being stupid.” Alec stated, looking down at Clary. It had been nearly two weeks since they nearly had to force Simon’s hand to let Camille loose. Since then Simon had been staying at Magnus’ and Alec has seen what had been happening to him. Being kicked out of his clan had broken something inside of the fledgling. He wasn’t Simon anymore, or at least he was the shadow of the old Simon. Even when he had the strength to speak he made not pop culture references that Alec didn’t understand. All he did was talk about Raphael, when he wasn’t trying to burn himself alive. Alec had been there the last time Simon tried to kill himself five days ago, and had nearly succeeded. If it hadn’t been for Alec’s keen hearing and Magnus’ magic, Simon would already been dead. It had been horrible to see, after they had gotten Simon back in bed. He had fought them so hard to get back out and in front of the window. Magnus had used his magic to permanently seal and cover the thing he couldn’t do it again. Simon’s whole right side had been covered in black and red blisters, as if instead of accidentally placing his hand on a hot stove he just laid down on one and didn’t move. His screams when Magnus had to remove the charred bits of skin... 

“ALEC! PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT! THERE’S NO POINT I’LL JUST KEEP TRYING UNTIL IT’S DONE! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM! I CAN’T! AAAHHH!” Simon could only scream after that. 

Alec looked at Magnus, who was crying while trying to be as dedicated with the young vampire as he could. He worked the best he could while Simon thrashed about, writhing in pain. Alec grabbed Simon’s face, which hadn’t been burned, “Hey. Hey! Simon, look at me okay? It’s going to be okay. Do you understand me? We will fix this somehow. You don’t have to live without him forever. I promise. It will be okay. But first things first, you have to be as still as you can okay? So, Mags and I can fix you. It’s going to be okay Simon.” 

Simon nodded and attempted to lie still as he could. Alec cradled his head in his lap and brushed his uncombed hair out of his face and whispered encouragements to him until the fledgling passed out from the pain. 

After that Alec had gone to Magnus’ everyday and the two of them took care of Simon, and he hadn’t tried to hurt himself since. But even after Simon’s visible wounds had healed, he wasn’t well; it was as if Simon’s body was shutting down from the inside. When Alec had asked Magnus had explained that it could be one of two things, and he wasn’t entirely sure which it was. The first possibility was that the fledgling had been taken away from the clan too early. When a fledgling had made bonds with a clan and left before having been there long enough to truly become a full vampire, they died. Similarly, if a Vampire’s true mate rejects them, their body does the same thing as a de-clanned fledgling. And since Simon was still a fledgling Magnus couldn’t be sure weather it was the de-clanning or the rejection. 

Alec continued to stare at the short red head in front of him with disgust painted on his face, “I can’t believe you. He is in this mess because you told him that if he didn’t help us the only way you would get your mom back was to go to the clave and tell them what Raphael and Camille did to him and get the book after the Clave took care of them. You threatened to get his new family killed Fairchild! And now as he is dying because of you, you’re going to refuse to see him, even after he’s asked for you!?” 

“Oh now you have feeling’s Mr. I Play By The Rules Shadowhunter? And Since when do you give a crap weather Simon dies for not?” Clary yelled at him. 

“Since I watched him try and killed himself last week! Which you would know if you cared enough to ask about him, since when do you not care about your best friend?” Alec put air quotes around best friend. Then pushed the smaller shadowhunter out of the way before walking to the front door of the institute. Izzy, who had watched the whole argument unfold, looked at Clary with disappointment before she followed her brother out the door. 

Clary sat in the middle of the hallway and began to cry. She loved Simon, she did. And she knew this was her fault, but she just couldn’t see her best friend die for her again. She just couldn’t. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

Izzy followed Alec in to Magnus’ house. This was the first time she went to visit Simon; she had felt so guilty about what had happened, that she had helped do this to him. She didn’t want to go, to see Simon in the state Alec had described, but she had to. Alec stopped to greet Magnus and get updated on his condition, but Izzy walked by them straight to the warlock’s guest bedroom. The room smelled sad, like blood and burned hair. It was awful. She looked at the deathly looking figure on the bed. That was Simon. That was the boisterous fledgling vampire who loved Star Wars and Harry Potter, and pretended he didn’t like Taylor Swift (though they all knew better). 

She walked closer, and got a real look at him. He was barely there, skin and bones, and so so pale. Even vampires didn't achieve that level of paleness without death. The color brought out the deep purple bags under his eyes, and his now blue lips. His breathing was so shallow, Izzy almost screamed for Magnus and Alec thinking he was dead. When she realized he was just sleeping she sighed in sad relief, “Oh pobrecito, what have we done?” 

Simon stirred slightly when he heard the Spanish come from Izzy’s lips and asked in sleepy confusion, “Raph?”

“No. I’m sorry. It’s Izzy.”

Simon sighed and tried to sit up a little, “It’s okay. I never thought I’d be disappointed to see you instead of Raphael...” 

Izzy tried to make her laugh sound genuine, but she failed miserably. The room fell silent for almost ten minutes. Izzy pointedly not looking at Simon and Simon being unsure what to do. Izzy finally decided to she had to say something or this would be the worst visit in history, but she could only think of one topic and she knew it would either go over swimmingly or horrifically, but she had to try. “Simon, tell me about Raphael.”

A sad smile spread it’s way across Simon’s pale face, “He’s perfect. And infuriating. He never says what he means, because he has to keep his sarcastic mysterious image up, like all the time. He can be so emo, sometimes I swear I’m in love with Kylo Ren. But sometimes, that mask he wears cracks, like when I could get him to smile for me, or laugh. And he’s always saving me you know? ... Or at least he used to....”

Simon looked like he would dissolve into tears any second, but he took a few calming breaths and continued, “Once I asked him why, you know why he constantly saved me if he thought I was such a pain in the ass, and he just sarcastically responded ‘Somebody has to do it, don't they’ and I think he thought I missed it but before he turned around completely I saw that he was smiling. And it was a genuine smile you know, not that little smirk he does when he’s out-snarked you. It was real and his real smile is so beautiful Izzy.... I really miss it so much....”

“Simon I’m so so sorry!” Izzy blurted out. “I feel like this is all my fault, because I let Clary say what she said, we all did, and you never would have done it otherwise, I just know it, and now you’re dying and you had to hurt Raphael and you love him. And I see now the position we put you in, you hurt him either way. You had to choose him dying or hating you! That’s so fucked up!” 

She was sobbing now, and suddenly it was Simon comforting her instead of how it was supposed to be. Alec rushed it, “Izzy! You were supposed to cheer him up! Not start balling!! Simon, I’m sorry baby we were trying to cheer you up, Magnus and I thought it’d be good to see a friend.”

“Alec, it’s okay, really. I am so thankful to you and Magnus for taking care of me, but you don’t have to turn into helicopter dads okay? I mean, let’s be real, I can’t get much worse off, now can I?” Simon started to laugh but it turned into a coughing fit. He coughed a small amount of blood up before it finally subsided and Izzy gave him a kiss on the cheek and left the room. Magnus then came in and took her seat on the chair next to Simon’s bed. Alec sat carefully on the bed on Simon’s other side, and then he picked up the book on the nightstand next to him. Magnus gave him a tonic to try and do a little healing, but he knew it would numb the pain just long enough for Simon to get to sleep. The fledgling drank the vibrant purple liquid with a sour look on his face. The Alec began to read Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban to him until he fell asleep. If Simon had been younger, and not dying, Alec would be thinking that, he and his warlock would make good parents. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and he was more focused on getting Simon healthy, in whatever way he could. 

Once Simon had fallen asleep, the pair left the room and joined Izzy on the living room couch. She had stopped crying but her face was still wet and her eye still red. 

“We have to fix this.” She whispered. 

“There’s only one way.” Magnus said.

“So do it!”

Alec signed at his sister impatiently, “It’s not that easy Izzy. The only way to get him well is to get him back into the clan. The only person who can do that is Raphael, and he’s not answering any of our calls.”

“So call the second in command Alec! Do whatever the hell you have to. By the Angel this is our fault, he Will Not die for us!” Izzy counter quickly. 

Alec looked at Magnus, who though for a moment before shrugging his shoulders, “if anyone can get Raphi to change his mind, it’s Lily.”

“We should go get Clary first.” Izzy said. 

Alec shook his head, “The little redhead is the reason we are in this mess, that Simon is in this mess.”

“Yeah well, while you have been here, parenting Simon, I’ve been with Clary. She should be here!” 

They all flinched as they heard Simon start coughing in his sleep. Magnus shook his head, “Darling stop speaking so loudly, we don’t want to wake him, this is the only time he isn’t in pain. Isabelle, he’s just too sick, we don’t have time to wait for biscuit. I’m calling Lily now.”

Magnus pulled out his phone, hoping the vampire on the other end would pick up. They all waited on the edge of their seats as the phone rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pobrecito - you poor thing


	4. Lily's Hostile Take Over... Kind Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily forces Raphael to go to Magnus' for a little chat.

“Raphael Simon is dying! The clan’s baby is dying! He needs us, Magnus says if he doesn’t come home and re-assimilate with his clan, if his family doesn’t take him back, he won’t make it through the night! Don’t tell me you are going to let him die!” Lily screeched at the clan leader, who was now a shadow of the vampire he once was. She knew why, they had all figured it out. 

“He betrayed us Lily! Do any of you understand that!? He chose that little shadowhunter bitch. The redhead will come first until the day she dies!! We will always be second best in his eyes!” Raphael had bloody tears rolling down his face. 

Lily laughed humorlessly, and gave Raphael and angry, nearly dangerous look. She knew what she was about to say was a low blow, but she had to do something, she was not going to let Simon die like that. “No, Raphael. Don’t try to make this about all of us. We have forgiven him, we all would have done it if it had been our family when we were that young. This? This is about you. You aren’t concerned about the clan coming in second best, you’re worried about yourself being put behind her.”

Raphael stared at her, expressionless. He would never admit it, but she was right. She just didn’t understand. Almas gemelas. The words had haunted him since Simon left, made him unable to sleep. Her soul mate hadn’t picked someone over her. His had. And it ate away at his soul, he had barely been able to keep blood down the past three days, hadn’t slept in weeks, he could do nothing but hold his own bleeding heart together, knowing the only one who could fix it had chosen Valentine’s daughter instead. He also knew that he was being stupid and selfish by not letting Simon come home, but Raphael wasn’t ready to see him. Lily looked back at him, knowing he was hurting. He was one of her best friends, she would trust him with her life, but right now, she was pissed at him. She knew what she had to do, and she would do it. 

“Raphael. It is my duty, as second in command, to take control when the leader of the clan is not doing the job, or is unable to. In my opinion, you are too close to the situation to make the final decision about bringing Simon home. As tradition mandates, I brought it to a vote with the clan, and we have decided he is to return to the Hotel DuMort immediately.” Lily felt horrible doing this to him, but she was doing what had to be done. As she continued, she used a softer, less official voice. Nearly pleading with the other vampire in front of her. “I wanted to do this with you Rapha, I tried to let you make the decision to bring him home. But if you won’t, I will. I am going to Magnus’ in fifteen minutes. Please, Raph, get cleaned up and come with me.”

With that, she turned and left the room, hoping Raphael would at least come to get the poor fledgling he so obviously needed. 

 

Clary stood fidgeting outside the Jade Wolf. She knew she was being a horrible friend to Simon, but she was so scared to see him. Scared to see what she’d put him through. Scared to see him in pain. Terrified to find out if he blamed her as much as she did, to see if he hated her now. She didn’t know what she would do if her best friend suddenly hated her because she had been selfish. The young shadowhunter thought she needed to talk to her mom and sudo dad. 

However, the longer she stood there, looking up at the green sign on the front of the restaurant, the more she realized Alec had been right. As much as she wanted to pretend he wasn’t, he was, she was being selfish, and she had put him in the position he was in, the least she could do was see him when he asked. 

Suddenly she knew the only person she needed to talk to was Simon, so she started running towards Magnus’. She almost used a speed enhancing rune, but she thought better of it, knowing she needed to think about what she would say to her best friend when she saw him. 

 

Raphael walked into the living room of the hotel to meet Lily; he had showered and gotten dressed for the first time in weeks. He almost looked like himself, it made Lily smile. Raphael’s face didn’t reflect the hope in the other’s face, however. He had made the decision to go with her to get Simon, but he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. Raphael didn’t know why Simon had chosen to break Camille out, but he had done it, and this in itself made him unsure of what to do. Raphael knew the clan had forgiven Simon, but their wounds were merely scratches on the surface in comparison to the pain Raphael had felt every moment since Simon had turned his back and walked away. Raphael may not have been sure he was doing what was right for the clan or himself, he wasn’t sure if he would ever truly trust Simon again, but he did know he needed his baby home. Before he could change his mind Raphael looked at Lily and together, they stepped through the shining portal before them. 

When they stepped out the two vampires were in Magnus Bane’s loft apartment, Magnus saw Raphael and gave his old friend a sad smile. Raphael was too distracted to return it. The whole place smelled like Simon, but not just his compañero, it smelled of blood, burned hair, and sadness. All the things that had likely been happening to Simon the past few weeks rolled through Raphael’s mind at a dizzying speed. He realized that for every time he thought about baring himself to the sun, Simon had tried. For a moment, he thought he might be sick, but instead he steadied himself with the fact that Simon hadn’t succeeded.

“Raphael. I didn’t think you’d come.” Alec said a little curtly. 

“I am the leader of the clan, shadowhunter. I am to be consulted with before all decisions and should be present, much like the head of your institute.” Raphael replied coolly. 

“Raph. Please, I’ve known you since you were a fledgling like Simon. You can’t hide anything from me with your calculated leader act. You may try to fool Alec and Isabelle, but I know.” Magnus said walking closer to his old friend, trying to get through to him. 

“Oh? Please Bane, do inform me what exactly I am trying to hide from them?” Raphael bit out. Magnus looked over at Lily pleadingly, she simply looked back at him, a knowing sad look on her face. However, she wasn’t going to interfere with this, she had gotten Raphael here; the rest was truly up to the vampire standing next to her. 

“You love the fledgling. You’re hurt by what happened, but you just can’t help it.” The warlock replied simply. Raphael crossed his arms over his chest defiantly, “Of course I love him Magnus. He is the clan’s baby. He is family. I think I have the right to be hurt.”

“That’s not what he meant Santiago,” Isabelle spoke up. “Y tú lo sabes.”

Alec walked over and put an arm around his sister, “And trust me. Fighting it? No use at all. So why don’t you just admit it? Why would you choose to lose him?”

Anger boiled just below Raphael’s skin, he spoke through gritted teeth, fangs exposed, and cutting his bottom lip, “You Know Nothing. None of you do.”

Suddenly they all heard the door to Simon’s room open and a very weak looking Simon leaning against the doorframe for support, “Rapha?”

His voice was so small, yet so hopeful. It made Raphael’s heart clench, something he had long thought it would never do again. He was about to reply when Magnus sweetly said, “Simon, dear. Go back to bed, my little moonbeam.” 

Raphael wasn’t sure what upset him more, that Magnus had referred to his Simon as his own, or that Magnus had a pet name for him. He knew either way his reaction was stupid, that’s just what Magnus did. Everyone had a real name and a pet name as far as the warlock was concerned. Either way Raphael was unable to help the growl that escaped him when he said, “Don’t tell him what to do.” 

Simon coughed and Raphael whipped back around to look at him, feeling more confused than he had in his entire, very long, life. Simon continued to just stare at Raphael, while the other panicked as his head and his heart were battling once again. “Rapha, can I talk to you please? Alone.”

Raphael’s feet began to move towards his fledgling without his consent, not that he could have truly told Simon no at the time. He walked down the hallway, feeling everyone’s eyes on his back as he went. When he looked over his shoulder before he shut the door, he saw everyone's thoughts painted on their face. Magnus was nervous about how this would turn out but there was hope for both vampires he cared about in his eyes. Alec was clearly mostly concerned Raphael would harm Simon, as if he really could on purpose. Isabelle was chewing on her bottom lip and had a small smile on her face, she knew how Simon felt and decided this had to have a happy ending. And Lily was trying to give Raph an encouraging look, hoping with all she had that they would repair their relationship so the clan could be whole again. After he looked at all their faces, he took a deep breath, walked into Simon’s room, and shut the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y tú lo sabes. - And you know it. 
> 
> Hey guys!! Sorry this chapter took so long! I have been sick! I'm going to start writing the next one with their chat tonight and hopefully update again real soon! Thanks for sticking with me!!! <3 I love getting your comments! They make me want to continue! So please let me know what you think!


	5. The Explanation of a Soul Crushing Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Raphael finally talk, and neither leaves the room dry eyed.

The door shut behind Raphael with a soft click. Raphael could see how nervous Simon was, even if the fledgling had his back turned. Simon gingerly sat down on the large bed in the middle of the room, gathering something in his arms and hugging it, as if he was seeking comfort. It was made of a royal blue patterned fabric, it looked expensive, ... and familiar. Simon brought it to his face to smell it, though he knew it had long since lost the smell of its true owner. It was only then Raphael realized what it was. 

“You still have my jacket?” Raphael asked, feeling his heart melt a little, and then remembering why he was here felt hurt all over again. Simon watched as the small smile that had been on Raph’s face fell. Simon wanted to reach out and hug him, however he thought better of it. 

“Yeah, it um. Well it used to smell like you. Magnus told Alec that it probably made things harder on me because I wasn’t letting you go when he asked. They thought I was asleep during that conversation. They were wrong on both accounts. It was my rock really. It reminded me of how it used to be. I would get really upset, but then I could hold this and remember a time where the vampire I am in love with didn’t hate me.” Simon said all of this without looking at Raphael, pretending to find a decorative button on the right sleeve immensely interesting. 

Raphael sighed, not entirely sure what to say. Simon had just admitted he loved Raphael. He decided it was best to not react to it. “You can... You can keep it when we get back home.”

For a split second, Simon was crushed that Raph didn’t say he loved Simon, but then he realized that he was going to get to go back to the hotel. “Really Rapha? I get to come home??” 

“That is what the clan voted, yes.”

“But what about the other thing? I just told you I loved you Raphael, and I do. So much. I am so in love with you.” Simon tried to continue to be excited about going home, but it had not lasted as long as he thought it would. He wanted to be happy about it; he wanted it to be enough. It just wasn’t. He needed Raphael too. 

Raphael ran a hand through his perfectly styled hair, messing it up completely. He took a deep breath. He had been hoping to push this conversation off a little longer than today, but he knew Simon better than that. He wouldn’t be letting this go until he knew everything. 

“Simon. I-I know. There are still a lot of things you have to learn fledgling. One of those things are mates. Vampires can have many mates in their long lifetime, but only one true mate. Almas gemelas, Simon, you are mine. My soul mate. Dios nos hizo uno por el otro. I knew from the moment you were turned, but you were so infatuated with the red head... It doesn’t matter.” Raphael had thought this would be easier. Not that he thought it was going to be easy in the first place, however he didn’t think just telling Simon would hurt so much. He already had bloody tears welling up in his eyes. He wanted to leave, he hated feeling so vulnerable, but Simon needed to know. 

“My soul mate? You’re my soul mate.” Simon whispered. He sat in silence for a moment before sneering at the bed sheets, looking like he wished he could blame them for all of this. “Of course. Only I could make my soul mate hate me. No one else has the fucking talent to make that happen, I guess I just have a gift.”

“Simon. Look at me.” Raphael waited until Simon looked up to continue. “I don’t hate you. I can’t. It’s impossible for me to hate you. We were born to love each other. That is how soul mates work, in case you did not know. I love you Simon -”

“Oh thank fuck! I was so scared! I can’t wait to be with you! We are going to be -” Simon began but Raphael put his hand up, effectively silencing the younger vampire in front of him, whose excited face fell as soon as he began speaking. 

“Simon. You didn’t let me finish. I love you Simon, I do, but I do not trust you. I want to. I so desperately want to get past all of this. But you don't’ understand, while you have been in physical pain here, as well as emotional pain I won’t say you weren’t hurting, I know you were. But while you were here, I could barely move because of the weight the pain you caused. Lily had to take over the clan since you left Simon.” Raphael now had tears streaming down his face, leaving small red trails down his face. “I could feel all of your pain. I knew every time you tried to kill yourself. I knew every time you cried. I bared that and my own. I have slightly more control over my emotions than you do, so I tried to make it so you couldn’t feel my pain at your end. It made it all worse. I have been in hell since you left, so yes Simon, I love you and I can’t help that, but we will not be together until it doesn’t physically hurt me to think of you. Porque eras la única persona que tenía que ser capaz de confiar en no hacerme daño, que terminó por perjudicar a la mayoría, mi amor.” 

Simon had started crying almost as soon as Raphael started speaking, they were falling down his face and onto the white sheets that adorned Simon’s bed. “I am so so sorry Raphael. I never meant for this to happen. I wish I could take it all back but I can’t. I wish I could feel what you feel, just take it away so you don’t have to carry it around with you anymore.”

“You can feel it.” Raphael opened the bond he had been holding shut since Simon left, letting all the hurt flow through both of them. Simon immediately started bawling and clutching at his heart and stomach. 

“I feel sick.” Simon cried.

“I know.” Was all Raphael said before he closed the flow of emotion once more. “Now you understand. The clan has forgiven you. You may come home, as we don’t want you to die. But know that you will have to gain my trust and full forgiveness. I accept that we are mates, but you will have to prove yourself to have me.”

“I will. I swear.” Simon said in a hushed whisper. Raphael simply nodded and started for the door. Then he turned around.

“Please get your things together quickly. We leave as soon as you are ready and I have to get back to leading my clan.” 

“Alright... I love you Raph.” Simon said almost inaudibly. Raphael’s face was sad as he turned around on last tear streaking down his face as he left the door and shut the door behind him. Simon was coming home, and that was good, but now Raphael may have been more conflicted than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almas gemelas - soulmates  
> Dios nos hizo uno por el otro. - God made us for one another.  
> Porque eras la única persona que tenía que ser capaz de confiar en no hacerme daño, que terminó por perjudicar a la mayoría, mi amor. - Because you were the one person I was supposed to be able to trust not to hurt me, who ended up hurting me the most, my love.
> 
> Thanks for reading guys! I have loved reading everyones comments so if you like it please do me a favor and leave a comment or a kudos! OR BOTH! It really does make my day! Stay tuned for the next installment!! <3


	6. The Exit of The Vampires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary reaches Magnus' place right as Simon is leaving.

After Simon had packed all of his things up, Magnus opened a portal to the Hotel DuMort. Simon thanked both Magnus and Alec for everything they had done for him and hugged them both before stepping thought the shiny purple door in the middle of the room. At which time Magnus was definitely not crying as Alec held him to his chest with one arm and waved with the other hand.

Suddenly Clary burst through the front door of Magnus’ loft. The vampires immediately surrounded Simon to block her from him. All except for Raphael, who was suddenly terrified that Simon would choose her over him again the moment she gave him the option, though he didn’t show it. The only thing that could be seen on his face was disdain for the redhead. Simon looked shocked, confused, and slightly angry. He hadn’t truly realized that he blamed Clary for his position until he saw her, but if she hadn’t threatened to turn Raphael into the Clave, he wouldn’t have betrayed the older vampire in the first place. Simon was mad at her, but he also knew she was still Clary, still his best friend, and though it was very horribly wrong what she did to him, it was to get Jocelyn back. He also knew that if Raphael knew what she had done, and Clary was there when he found out, she likely wouldn’t be in the best state after he was done with her, if she lived at all. So he decided he wouldn’t say anything, after all what he had done was still his own decision and that was still bad even though he had the best intentions, right? Simon wasn’t sure anymore, but he kept his mouth shut. 

“Simon! I am so glad I caught you! I need to talk to you!” Clary gasped out between breaths, winded from running there from the Jade Wolf. 

Raphael’s face turned smug when he looked at Simon, whose face was stony as he responded, “What Clary?”

“Simon, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got you into all of this.” Clary said, voice small now that she knew Simon wouldn’t forgive her so easily, if the tone of his voice had been any indication.

“Yeah. So am I.” Simon was about to turn to leave before he started to cry, when Clary whispered something he didn’t know the answer to. 

“Can you forgive me Simon? Please.” Her eyes begged him for forgiveness, and Simon wished all was as it used to be, when he could easily forgive her, back to when she never would have done anything like this to him. But she was a shadowhunter now, and he was just a downworlder. Things weren’t that easy anymore. 

“I-I don’t know Clary. Right now I just need time with my clan, re-earn their trust. I know we’ll be friends again, but not like we were, not now, we’ll see about the future.” Simon said sadly. Clary nodded and the vampires eased up their protective stances, which had been not only for Simon, but Raphael as well. They may have known the extent to which had been involved in Simon’s betrayal, but they knew she had something to do with it. Simon looked upset still and ran over to hug his makeshift dads quickly. Then Simon and the others walked through the portal and it closed itself quickly behind them. Alec, Magnus still in his arms, moved to sit on the couch next to his sister. Magnus ended up half on the couch, half on his boyfriend, cuddled into his side. Alec looked down at Magnus, over to Izzy, then back to Magnus with a sad smile on his face, “I never thought I’d ever even like having Simon around, let alone be sad for him to not be living with us anymore.”

Magnus giggled into his shoulder before looking to Clary, “Sit down biscuit.” 

Clary shook her head unsure what to think about what just happened, but sat down anyway. Izzy stood and walked over to the unreasonably large chair adjacent to the couch and sat next to Clary, putting her arms around Clary in an attempt to comfort her. Clary put her face in her hands and murmured, “I don’t get it.”

“Clary,” Izzy started, “After everything we did, what’s not to get?”

“Look I know I am a shitty friend. I understand what I did to Simon was wrong, and it got him into trouble with the clan, but they are taking him back. Simon is always forgiving when things turn out alright in the end. And I didn’t even really threaten the clan in the first place. Just Raphael. Simon doesn’t even like Raphael.” Clary started rambling, but Alec cut her off right there.  
“Just when I think you can’t get anymore oblivious Fray, you say that.”

“What?” Clary looked at Magnus hoping he would be a little less bitter about everything when he spoke. 

“Clary, thinks haven’t really turned out alright yet, as you put it. You have one crucial thing wrong. Simon is in love with Raphael. In fact, they are soul mates Clary. So when you threatened to exposed his changing and blame not only Camille, but also Raphael, Simon had to protect Raphael. Even though he knew he would be kicked out of the clan or be killed, he couldn’t let anything happen to Raphael. Sacrificing himself because of his love for Raphael, of course he didn’t know at the time, that Raphael is his soul mate. So when he betrayed Raphael to keep him safe, Raphael was in as much pain, if not more than Simon, because he doesn’t know why Simon did it.” Magnus explained.

“And now he’s trying to protect you from getting killed because after all this he still sees you as his best friend, so instead of getting the happiness that comes with finding your soul mate, he has to wait until Raphael trusts him again. Who knows when that’ll happen.” Alec said. 

Magnus sighed and looked sad, “Clary could be long dead before that ever happens... Raphael is stubborn. Add to that the fact that Raphael keeps walls around his heart, and he believes he was senselessly betrayed by someone he let them down for? Who knows if Simon will ever get to be with him now. That my dear is why he is so upset.”

“I- I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have made him even consider that if I had. Oh my god Simon!” Clary began crying into Izzy’s shoulder. Izzy tried to comfort her, but wasn’t very successful. 

“Come on Clary, it’s late. We should go back to the institute. Come on babe, let’s go.” Izzy got up and said goodbye to her brother and his boyfriend before leading Clary out of the loft and back to the institute. 

Magnus and Alec sat in each other’s arms for a long time, hoping Simon would be alright; hoping all of this would work itself out. It had to right? 

“Magnus?”

“Yes Alexander?” Magnus answered from the crook of Alec’s neck. 

“Do you - do you think they will be okay? Simon and Raphael? I just want him to be happy Mags.” Magnus could hear the soft tears in Alec’s voice as he spoke. 

“I’d like to think that if their love feels anything like ours, they can get through this, through anything. If Raphael loves Simon as much as I love you, they will get the happy ending they both deserve.” Magnus said and only after the worlds had left his mouth did he realize that he had just said I love you to Alexander for the first time. 

Alec pulled away slightly to beam down at his boyfriend. “I love you too Magnus. So much.”

Magnus smiled at him. Alec could feel his heart pounding in his chest like mad and Magnus was so giddy the room was nearly spinning. Alec only made this feeling worse when he pulled Magnus in for a passionate kiss, one full of all the love they shared, Magnus could have sworn in that moment that the whole room was actually a tilt-a-whirl. Alec felt on top of the world, felt like as long as Magnus was by his side anything was possible. Neither wanted this moment to ever end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked this chapter and the little bit of Malec fluff at the end! Let me know what you think in the comments! It makes my day when I see a new one!!! <3


	7. A Sad Song Leads to a Hopeful Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's down, but a little advice from Lily could put his relationship with Raphael on the road to recovery.

Simon wasn’t sure what he should have expected of his homecoming... but this was not it. Every time he saw another vampire they welcomed him back, said they had missed him, they even gave him hugs. Not they hadn’t hugged him before, because vampires are touchy creatures, in both definitions of the word, but these hugs felt different. They held a different emotion in them, one that casual and regular hugs didn't have. They truly had wanted Simon home. It was a wonderful feeling to be home, if it weren’t for the constant “Welcome Home’s” he would say it was like he never left. 

With Rapha though, things were very different. They didn’t spend time together like they used to. So, for the first few days he spent most of his time with the rest of the clan. He wanted to make sure he completely repaired all hurt feelings with them quickly. He couldn’t stand the idea of them hurting because of him, especially the way he knew he hurt Raphael. The memory of Raphael’s pain made him flinch inappropriately in the middle of a conversation with Stan. And suddenly he wasn’t so keen on speaking with anyone. Stan looked at Simon in a way that made it feel like Stan had read his mind, like he knew Simon’s mood had changed and he patted Simon’s shoulder and gave him a sad smile before leaving Simon alone. 

Simon walked at human speed back to his room, no one else stopped him to chat, and he shut his door behind him. He put on a Billy Joel record, The Stranger, putting the needle in the correct spot for it to start playing Vienna. It was Simon’s favorite sad thinking song. He laid across the bed and moved the needle back to the beginning of the song over and over. It’s what he did every time he got sad randomly, it comforted him. It always had. He remembered the first time he realized it had that magical quality. 

It wasn’t long after his father died. His mom had found him sitting in his dad’s office, crying. She picked him up off the ground and guided him to the living room. She pulled the very same record Simon was listening to out of her collection. She smiled sadly at her son before she began to play the album. She held a crying Simon in her arms and sang to him. By the end of the second verse, he was no longer crying and she pressed a kiss to his forehead. After she put the record back in it’s sleeve she handed it to him, and told him to play it whenever he was sad. It never used to take listening to it more than once to make him feel better, but since everything with Raphael... well once just didn’t cut it anymore. 

Simon wondered if it annoyed any of the other vampires. Him playing one song over and over and over again, like a depressed teenager, which unlike the rest of them, he still was. He just didn’t know how to make it up to Raphael without him killing anyone, and breaking the accords. They didn’t need a reason for shadowhunters to kill them. Flowers and treats would never work, they might take Simon off the hate list, but they certainly wouldn’t put him on the soul mates list. He gave up trying to come up with a plan. Simon sighed loudly and tried to think of anything besides his soul mate. But try as he might Raphael wouldn’t leave his mind for a second. If it wasn’t Raph’s body, it was his eyes. If not his eyes, his smile, or his voice. Or his well-masked heart. For someone who pretended to be cold he cared a lot. If you pleaded back the hard exterior Raphael was likely the most caring person you could meet, he may get frustrated but he always helped in the end. 

His phone pulled Simon from his thoughts. He picked it up and saw the contact photo was Clary’s. He sent it to voicemail. He was still so angry with her. He knows that all his decisions had gotten him in this situation, but Clary had been the one to force his hand. She called two more times; he denied both. By the third phone call, Simon was getting irritated and turned his phone off all together. Then he turned the record player up and grabbed the sleeve. He ran his hand across the front and hugged it to his chest. Knowing he couldn’t ask his mother for a hug, he pretended the record she’d given him was enough. 

There was a knock at his door, so he turned the music down and put the sleeve down before saying for the person to come in. To Simon’s surprise, it wasn’t someone telling him to turn the music down. It was Lily. She had figured out his sad ritual long before he had ever been kicked out of the hotel. She shut the door behind her quietly and gave the younger vampire a sympathetic smile. Lily walked across the room before taking a seat next to a miserable looking Simon. 

“Talk to me fledgling. One thing you learn being alive as long as I have is you shouldn’t hold things inside.” She whispered as she placed a comforting hand on Simon’s head, much like his older sister used to. 

He looked up at her and sighed. “I don’t know how to fix this Lily. He won’t talk to me, so it’s hard to do anything that will get me even a little closer to his forgiveness. And I keep thinking maybe telling him the whole story might help, but I don’t know. And if it doesn’t I don’t know what else I will do. I almost feel like he is stringing me along. You know? I understand his pain and I hate myself more the longer his silence goes on. But everyone else has found it in his or her heart to forgive me. I just wish Raphael would talk to me. If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and I can’t fix it, I’d rather he just told me now. The longer I sit here thinking one day he’ll trust me again, one day we’ll get our forever, the more crushing it will be when he finally tells me the thought of me hurts and he couldn’t ever be with someone like me. I don’t think I could live through that again. I know I wouldn’t Lily.”

“Oh little one.” Lily continued to pat Simon’s head as she spoke. “Raphael will never tell you he could never be with you. To be honest Simon, now that he knows what it feels like to have you, I don’t think he could be without you. I know that waiting for him is hard, but it’s what you really must do. It is up to you to tell him the whole story, if you decide that’s what you want to do, wonderful. If not, remember your patience. And perhaps start with something small?”

With that, Lily rose from the bed and exited Simon’s room. Simon thought for a moment about what Lily had said. Then he bounded from his room with a hopeful smile spreading across his face. He passed the group Lily had joined and gave her a thumbs up, she just smiled in response. He soon found himself standing in front of Raphael’s door. He knocked lightly and waited for Raph to open the door.   
“Hello Simon.” Raphael said as soon as he opened it. 

Simon’s heart clenched slightly. “I honestly never thought I would miss you calling me ‘bebe’, then again I have been wrong about a lot of things lately.”

Raphael sighed. “You’ve also almost died recently. Have you fed today?”

Simon grinned wide knowing Raphael may still need to be convinced of Simon’s trustworthiness, but he still worried about Simon. “Um, no, not since I woke up. I will Rapha, I promise. But I was wondering if maybe we could spend a little time together?”

Raphael shifted to the other side of the doorframe. “I don’t know...”

“Come on Rapha please!? Look I get that you need me to earn your trust but how am I supposed to do that if I never see you?”

Raphael thought for a moment about Simon’s argument and couldn’t find a real hole in it, so he sighed knowing he’d have to relent. “Alright, but only if you feed.”

“Really? Okay. Well I was thinking about a Harry Potter movie marathon. I remember you’ve never seen them and I just thought you might want to?” Simon sounded like a child asking for and ice cream the whole time he spoke. 

“Alright, one movie. Then maybe we can talk, but one movie won’t fix this Simon.” Raphael said. 

A huge grin took over Simon’s face. “No, but it’s a start.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked this chapter! I am so sorry it took so long! I wasn't exactly sure where I wanted to go with it, and I figured it out today! Yay! Tell me what you think!? Your comments and kudos make my day, and make me want to push through writers block! Thanks so much for sticking with me!!!


	8. The Song That Changed Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon plays a song to express his feelings about his situation and comes to the conclusion he has to tell Raphael everything.

Simon sat in his room with his guitar in hand, confused looking for a song that truly conveyed his feelings. He was just feeling a bit lost with the whole situation with Raphael. He thought back to when they had watched the first Harry Potter movie together and then talked. 

The end credits rolled and Hedwig’s Theme played in the background as Simon turned to Raph, hoping he enjoyed the movie as much as Simon had. Raphael gave him a small smile hoping not to show just how much he had enjoyed just sitting with his true mate saying nothing. He knew Simon being gone had hurt, but in that time, he had all but forgotten how wonderful it was to just be in the same room as the young vampire. 

“It was good.” Was all Raph said. 

“What? That’s it? One of the best books ever written translated to screen and all you can say is ‘it was good’?” Simon pretended to be offended and did a ridiculous impression of the clan leader at the end. This finally got a genuine response from Raphael who laughed loudly, to Simon it sounded like the best melody he had ever heard. 

“I do not sound like that.” Raphael said in between bouts of laughter. 

Simon over exaggerated shaking his head as he continued to laugh and bask in the glory that was a smiling Raphael. “Oh but I think you do Rapha!” 

“Then you should really be working on your vampire hearing like I have told you a million times before, idiota.” Raphael quipped. “Speaking of hearing, all I have heard lately has been Billy Joel. Do you own anything else? Honestly Simon.”

Simon laughed quietly, finally getting his breath back. “Hey, that album is awesome!”

“Once in awhile, perhaps, over and over for days on end however, not so ‘awesome’.” Raphael replied putting air quotes around awesome. 

Simon thought on this for a moment. “Fine, I’ll try and play some other music if you agree to spend more time with me.”

That had been nearly three weeks ago. Raphael had agreed, and they had spent more time together, but it never changed anything. Simon was starting to lose hope on fixing everything. Each time they were together Simon tried to do something that made him feel as though they were getting closer, holding Raphael’s hand or trying to peck him on the lips at the end of the night. Anything. But every time he tried anything that was more than platonic, Raphael pulled back. Moved his hand when Simon went to hold it. Walked away whispering goodnight when Simon leaned in to kiss him good night. 

It was like they were in a relationship that was about to end. Like when you see a friend who is still in love with their significant other, but the significant other wants to break up. Everyone can see it, but the friend that's in love. Except Simon did noticed, and he honestly felt like he was getting strung along. He was confused about what he should do, so he turned once again to music. He strummed a few notes, but it didn’t really go anywhere. Suddenly there was a knock on his door, Lily. 

She poked her head in and said. “Hey the new piano just arrived. It’s in the community room. I was going to play and a few people are already there, would you want to join me with your guitar?”

“Join you? Like a jam session!?” Simon perked up a bit.

“Sure fledgling, a jam session. If that’s what you want to call it. Do you want to come play and sing or not?” Lily said an exasperated smile on her face. Simon nodded her and followed her to the room. There was a good sized group already there listening to Stan playing and singing Frank Sinatra. Simon realized suddenly a lot of vampires could play and sing beautifully. He wondered if a beautiful voice came with the transformation or not. He pushed it out of his mind as Stan’s song ended and Lily began to play Not About Angels so beautifully Simon nearly cried. 

He sat listening to people play for quite a while. Once one vampire finished a song, whoever started to play first was the next to go. Simon wasn’t sure what to sing. He had some songs from Rock Solid Panda he could play, but none of them really felt right. It wasn’t until Lily said, “Simon why don’t you go next?” that he finally found the song that expressed his feelings perfectly. 

He began to strum the opening chords of Leave The Pieces by The Wreckers. He knew that maybe it wasn’t exactly perfect, but it would really get the point across. He needed Raphael to decide if he truly loved Simon still. Soul mate or not he had to choose if he wanted to be with him. 

You're not sure that you love me  
But you're not sure enough to let me go  
Baby it ain't fair  
You know to just keep me hanging round  
You say you don't wanna hurt me  
Don't wanna see my tears  
So why are you still standing here  
Just watching me drown

And it's alright  
Yeah, I'll be fine  
Don't worry about this heart of mine  
Just, take your love and hit the road  
'Cause nothing you can do or say  
You're gonna break my heart anyway  
So just leave the pieces when you go

He knew he had hurt Raphael, but Rapha wasn’t really giving him the chance to fix it past the friendship. He loved being friends with the older vampire but he could stand the silent knowing between them. Both of them knowing happiness is right around the corner, but Raphael refusing to turn it, pulling Simon along. If Raphael was going to keep at it like that forever (literally), Simon needed to know. 

Now you can drag out the heartache  
Or Baby you can make it quick  
We'll get it over with and just let me move on  
Don't concern yourself with this mess you left for me  
I can clean it up you'll see  
Just as long as you're gone

And it's alright  
Yeah, I'll be fine  
Don't worry about this heart of mine  
Just, take your love and hit the road  
'Cause nothing you can do or say  
You're gonna break my heart anyway  
So just leave the pieces when you go

Simon hadn’t realized that Raphael would hear the song playing from his bedroom. He definitely did not expect him to come down to listen to Simon sing. He hoped Raphael wouldn’t take the song the wrong way, or better yet Raph wouldn’t realize the song was for him. As if that would happen, everything Simon did was for Raphael. The whole clan knew it. 

You're not making up your mind  
It's killin' me  
And wasting time  
I need so much more than that  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
And it's alright  
Yeah, I'll be fine  
Don't worry about this heart of mine  
Just, take your love and hit the road  
'Cause nothing you can do or say  
You're gonna break my heart anyway  
So just leave the pieces when you go

Simon played the last few notes of the song and took a deep breath when it was over. He looked around and saw Raphael clapping for him. Simon smiled at him and Raphael nodded at Simon to follow him out of the room. They walked silently to Raphael’s room. The door shut with a soft click behind them after they entered the room. They sat on the bed and Raphael took Simon’s hand so gently he found himself on the verge of tears for the second time that day. 

“Simon, is that how you truly feel? That I am stringing you along?” Raphael said, his voice full of guilt to Simon’s surprise. 

Simon then surprised himself by shaking his head as he let the tears fall from his eyes. “No. I constantly feel like you are seconds away from telling me you can’t be with me, soul mates or not.” 

Raphael sighed and pulled Simon into a hug. “I could never do that. Usted es mi mundo, Simon. No podía dejar si lo intentara, que maravillosa idiota. I’m not going anywhere. I just don’t ever want to feel the way I did after you chose Clary over me ever again. Simon I need you, but I also need you to need me, more than anyone else.” 

Simon clutched his Raphael as close as he possibly could. He realized then that what really hurt Raphael wasn’t the fact that he let Camille go, it was that he thought Simon had chosen Clary over his soul mate. How hadn’t he seen that before? He had to tell Raphael what really happened. “Raphael Santiago, I need you more than I have ever needed someone in my life. And I wasn’t sure how to talk to you about that night, or if I should, but I need to tell you something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usted es mi mundo Simon. No podía dejar si lo intentara, que maravillosa idiota. ~ You are my world Simon. I couldn't leave you if I tried, you wonderful idiot.
> 
> Yay more translations from google! Sorry if they suck! I hope you liked this chapter! More to come! Tell me what you think! It makes me stupidly happy to get your comments and kudos! All my love!


	9. The Beginning of Infinity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finally tells Raphael everything

Raphael looked into Simon’s eyes, scared to hear what Simon had been keeping from him for so long. He would never admit that, however. He kept his face as straight as he could while he looked at Simon. The younger vampire looked as nervous as he felt. 

“Before I say anything,” Simon started. “You have to promise to stay calm, because I haven’t said anything for fear of you freaking out, honestly you can be really scary when you want to be and I don’t want people to feel your wrath for something they did when they were desperate and not thinking straight. And honestly I may still be a little mad about it, but I have forgiven them, and-”

“Bebe, you’re babbling. Spit it out. I promise to do my best to stay calm. No guarantees though. If I’m being honest.” Raphael replied as calmly as he could.

“Okay. I know you think that I helped Clary that night because I was still in love with her and I was choosing her over the clan. Over you. But it’s just not that simple. Clary came to me because she needed You-Know-Who and she figured I would know because we had gotten so close. I told her I wouldn’t help her break out Camille, because Camille would kill you. She was shocked that I was choosing you, and she was desperate. I’m sure she was angry too, because that also meant I was choosing to not wake Jocelyn. So, she threatened me.”

“What.” There was no question in Raphael's voice; it was a statement, and not a happy one at that.

“Raph. Please calm down; I’m not even done yet. She gave me an ultimatum. I could either help her and possibly get kicked out of the clan. Or I could leave her hanging, and she would tell the Clave that you were the one who broke the Accords. I knew I loved you and that if we turned out to be mates like I hoped, I would die if you kicked me out. But I also knew if Clary went to the Clave they would believe her before they believed you and you would be killed. And I couldn’t live with that, you dying when I could have stopped it. So, I decided that I would rather chance my life than yours. That is why I helped her, Rapha. Not because I loved her, but because I love you more than my own life.” 

Simon could see the fury on his mate’s face. He also knew that Raphael wouldn’t hurt Clary as soon as Raph’s eye met his own. Raphael knew now. Simon was ready to die for him, he almost had. Which meant he couldn’t hurt the selfish little redheaded shadowhunter. Not because of the Accords, but because he knew Simon would be hurt by it, and he would never cause the fledgling unneeded pain. Raphael looked into Simon’s eyes and suddenly the anger began to wash away, only to be replaced with overwhelming feeling of love. Simon was going to die for him. Raphael opened the bond between them so Simon could feel what Raphael was feeling. 

As soon as the bond was open Simon pulled Raphael as close as he could, neither of them saying a word, none were needed. They stayed like that, in each other’s arms, where they should have always been, for a long time. They didn’t know how long, nor did they care to know. They had eternity after all. All too soon for Simon’s taste, Raphael pulled away to properly look at Simon.

“You know I would never lay a hand on her. But I am aloud to give the little redhead a piece of my mind correct. I honestly don’t think it would be fair of you to be mad at me for yelling at her for what almost happened to you.”

“Raph.” Simon sighed. “Alright but go easy on her?”

“Simon, bebe, that will be going easy on her. If you had... if I had lost you because of her, and then found out why. That would be when she lost her life. And I would have made it as close to how you felt as possible. Yelling at her is letting her off as easy as I can.” Raphael said seriously. 

Simon nodded his head unsure of what to say. He decided he’d never be on Raphael’s bad side again. Raphael looked at the boy he almost lost. “Simon, I know that sounds harsh. But you must understand, everything I have ever loved was taken away from me for no real reason. I didn’t get the chance to kill the vampire that turned me. That was done for me. But if I had pointlessly had you ripped away from me. Simon you are the one thing ever I have found that I cannot live without. If I lost you I would have nothing but pain for the rest of eternity.”

Simon pulled his mate back to him and whispered into his chest. “You will never go through that. I won't ever leave you.”

Raph kissed the top of Simon’s hair and smiled down at his mate. Though Simon couldn’t see Raphael’s face, he knew he was smiling when he whispered, “Te amo, SImon.”

“I love you too Raphael Santiago. To infinity and beyond.”

Raphael gave a small laugh at the stupid toy story reference, “Eres un idiota.”

Then he kissed Simon with all he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Te amo, Simon. ~ I love you, Simon.  
> Eres un idiota. ~ You're such a dork. 
> 
> Thank you guys for sticking it out and waiting for this ending. I might ad a a prologue if you all want one... Maybe a vampire wedding? We'll see let me know in the comments below! I hope you all loved reading it as much as I loved writing it!!! Thank you so much for all your kind words and kudos! All my love!


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